Stop

Please Stop.
You have what you came for, now just go.
Please Leave.
I need the silence so I can clearly hear my spirit crumble.
Fucking go away.
Would you please just let me be broken hearted?
Just fucking stop mending it only so you can murder me again.
I told you, I don't have anything left to give you.
Even if you wanted something else, you already own it all.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to push you away.

Please don't stop.
You can always have what you came for.
Please don't go.
I need you to stay so I can be whole.
Fuck, Please Don't go.
Would you please fix me?
Just fucking please make it all stop, and make me smile.
I told you, I will give you everything.
Even if you don't want anything else, know that its yours.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to hang on.

Vanish

I just want to vanish.
Evaporate away from here.
Sometimes it's all too much.
When the confusion sets in, tears of frustration stream downward.
They fall and meet my colorless cheeks.

I just want to slip away.
Float away from here.
Sometimes it's not enough.
When the desire sets in, shivers of longing coarse through me.
The feeling rises and meets my overactive imagination.

I just want to sink.
Dive away from here.
Sometimes it's all too lonely.
When the silence sets in, a wave of deafness echos my thoughts.
It reverberates and meets my sadness.

I just want to smile.
Laugh myself away from here.
Sometimes its all too ironic.
When the momentary happiness sets in, giggles escape my soft lips.
They fill the room and meet the world.

I just want...
It's obvious what I want.

Internet

Hmmm, You're funny.
Thanks.
Wanna have random sexual conversation?
Always.
(insert flirtation)
Heya.
(flirt)
(tease)
(lie)
Innocent, or so thought to be.
Emotionless, or so hope to be.
I don't know you.
I'm your whore.
I wish I was your doll.
I shouldn't, that's stupid.
I don't do this all the time, swear.
Doesn't mean much, I know.
Don't sleep with me.
Just fuck me.
I like you like I shouldn't.

Grasping at carpet strings

I lie here on the floor.
Rotating between staring at the floor and staring at the ceiling.
I shiver, hearing the air conditioning click on.
The Carpet is icy already.
It's caress is rough, scratchy against my chilled skin.
My eyes shutter close.
The breath I deeply inhale smells of nothing, other than itchy carpet.
I momentarily realise where I'd rather be.

The entire planet spins on its axis of insanity.
My finger nails dig desperately into the carpet until I can convince myself its not the world I'm trying to grasp.
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never meet the expectations set before me.
My insecurities eat me alive, tear at me, ravage me.
I stumble off my pedestal once again.
I lie here on the floor.
Afraid, vulnerable, insecure, broken, restless, trembling, broken, empty , loathing, apathetic, scared, mangled, stubborn, tears streaming.
I'm confident this isn't what you signed up for.
Unfortunately, this is all I have got.
Relax and give me awhile.

Puppy

It's a familiar sound.
I annoy myself when my ears perk like an abased puppy when I hear it.
You know I adore it.
It never occurred to me this would happen.
Who does this?
I smile.
There is that noise again.
I'm frustrated when I eagerly look at the screen.
Slightly embarrassed at the realization there are ten numbers in this world, arranged in the order of perfection, that excite me.
You know I love it.
You know far too much.
I have grown to cherish stroking your ego.
Maybe Jon is right, Bad medicine might be just what I need.

It filters through

It's Five a.m.
My brain just will not shut off.
I keep trying.
I stare into nothing, attempting not to think.
The red numbers pierce my eyes and drill into my thoughts.
For some reason, as my eyes were finding some deep, meaningful connection with the alarm clcok, I begin to sing inside my head
All my mind could conjure at first was the line "Seeing red again".
Within seconds, I thought of you.
It's so ridiculous how that works.
Thinking of nothing, and ending with thinking of you.
I consistently wonder if I am the only one that has similar paths of thought.
Alright, well fine...
What I want to say is - Sometimes I wonder if you do the same thing.
I would never tell you.
I think that way when I can't sleep at night.

I hate being afraid.
Is it wrong that I'm scared at five a.m. , and I want nothing but someone to tell me I am okay?
By someone, you know I mean you.
I wish the clutter that is my head right now would disintegrate.
I long to see things clearly, as they are meant to be seen.
The sun is beginning to bleed through the windows, however it doesn't shed any light on the situation.
Perhaps Jaded isn't so bad.
I'm not a fan o delusions.
That by no means says I don't have the common human nature to set things aside.
I should stop, but I just can't.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I'm only human.

Somedays

Somedays everything is so fuzzy.
I struggle with my very own memories.
I try to pull them from the back of my brain.
Life has caused the majority of them to be hidden in the darkness of times past.
The sludge of change has buried them beyond reach.
Typically they only surface for a few, rare triggers.
Random moments in the present that return small incidents of joy or pain for a few fleeting moments.
Most days I almost wish I could just forget.
I wish my cherished memories didn't weep like this.

Home

Its Amazing really, the small things that remind you of home.
The smell of creole seasoning, or the taste of fried catfish.
The feeling you get when you remember what its like when summer turns to autumn.
I sometimes wonder if home sickness is driven by fear.
Do we actually truly want to return because we miss it?
Because we truly cherish and loved it?
Or is this feeling of longing driven by a desire to return and hide somewhere we consider safe?
In my instance, I'm definitely the latter.
From my brith, nearly every decision I have made has been the product of some some fear or another.
Maybe thats why anyone makes a choice?
I so easily preach change and acceptance of things lost.
Maybe I say it with such conviction in hopes that someday I could practice it myself.

Come Clean

A little honesty.
It seems like such a simple thing to give someone.
It's all yours; you can have it.
I took a deep breath, and let the words slither off my tongue and out my lips.
When I heard what I said in my own ears, I felt the bruises you would leave.
I care enough that it's okay for you to do it.
I care enough that it's okay that you will likely break me.

My brokeness wouldn't be anything new.
Maybe I should've been honest about that instead, but I think you knew.
I hate how you always know; I hate how I don't have to say it.
I love how you make me do it, regardless.
I hate when I think too much; I hate when I wonder why you call.
I love how when you do, It doesn't matter why you did.
I have this love and hate affair with how you make me feel.

Wake Up Call

I woke up this morning....and everything seemed fake.
Out of my control, my fingertips ran acrosss my eyelids.
They traced their way down my face, across my cheek, and to my throat.
My neck was warm, and I noticed that I was shivering.

I rolled on to my back, and began staring at the ceiling.
Light beams scattered from the blinding window played with one another.
Slowly, I was becoming more aware of my self, in so many ways.
I soon realised my body was completely vulnerable, and I thought of you.

I opened my mouth and suddenly broke the silence that was engulfing me.
My soft voice vibrated off everything around me.
The only reply I recieved was the laughter of nothingness.
My lips parted, and my lungs carried a sigh to meet them, to slip over them.

I snapped my eyes shut, hoping for one last chance at continued sleep.
I quickly fell into the most clean pool, and the smell of fresh flooded me.
It was the brightest blue I never imagined, and I was ...forgiven.
My eyes fluttered open, and I realised I had not escaped into sleep.

I carefully sat up in my bed, pulling my legs to curl up underneath me.
My soft hair, smelling expensive, fell over my face, and it blurred my vision.
As I felt the same gorgeous waves across my shoulders, I almost chuckled.
A humourless chuckle realising its typical for me to not see things clearly.

My hand lazily made its way to the auburn strands hiding my eyes.
With no real sense of control, I pushed my hair back away from my face.
A blushing smile played across my lips as I felt loose curls tickle my breast.
My head tiredly tossed, assisting the rest of my hair in resting on my back.

My palms found my delicate face once more, momentarily hiding it.
I gently wiped my face; uknowingly taking some of my innocence.
I seem to have felt young again, as if things had happened differently.
What an odd thought to have come over me.

My feet caressed the floor before I realised I had even moved.
I let the comfortable, soft fabric of a punisher t-shirt molest me.
After pulling it over me, I made my way to the bathroom mirror.
I brushed my teeth, and I flashed myself my sexiest, 10- grand, smile.

I amiably made my way down the stairs.
My fingers rolled across the metal banister, and I think I thought of you.
Once I found myself in the kitchen, I scrounged for a bottle of water.
The bottle opening introduced itself to my lips politely.

My lips had been heated, and welcomed the freezing liquid.
My eyes were shut as water swam down my throat.
I closed the lid and my tongue adventured across my wet lips and smile.
I giggled softly to myself, thinking, and started my day.

Corrupt

I can't get this feeling out of me.
I'm painted, I feel like a China Doll.
The worst part is, I happily dress up and play.

I can't get this feeling off me.
I'm dirty, I scrub until its love red.
The worst part is, my clothes come off me so much more simply.

I don't want this feeling to leave.
I'm enthralled, I just can not walk away.
The worst part is, I would hope for you to pull me back if I tried.

I don't want this feeling to fade.
I'm addicted, I seem to always want some.
The worst part is, I seriously don't desire a rehab for it.

The craziness crawls all over me.
It infects me.
Sinks into my heated, pale skin.
I do nothing but welcome it with the most open of mind and arms.

I just lie back, and let the corruption flow.
It's disturbing, and I adore the moments where it takes me completely.
All I can do is smile and lick the shame from my lips.
I'm sorry heart.